Cancer scare linked to risk of being alive

Professor Norbert Nonsense, head of the Department of Sensationalismology at the University of Panic Spreading, announced this morning that research over the last 10 years confirms that life gives you cancer. A Study of 2,500 living people showed that, of the 400 who showed signs of some sort of cancer, each had the common attribute of being alive.This is a major breakthrough in understanding the primary cause of cancer, hailed Professor Nonsense, if we can find a cure for life then we may finally have found that medical holy grail - a generic cure for all cancers.

Felicity Ponsonby-Pointless, Secretary of State for Health, congratulated the professor and his department for their dedication to this groundbreaking research. This is testament to the money invested in research in our universities, research that would not have been possible under the restrictions imposed by previous governments. We should all be proud that we are leading the world in medical research.

The Daily Mail, picking up on the news, announced its find a solution to life and cure cancer forever promotion. The best solution, as chosen by Editor Adolf Rightwing, will win a thatched cottage in leafy Surrey with a value of one million pounds and a lifetime's supply of cancer care. Speaking outside the Mail's office this morning, Herr Rightwing said If you don't win, you can always take up oral sex.